It’s Father’s Day! What better way to celebrate my dad than to brag about him on the internet? I literally can’t think of one.
So, as far as dads go, I got hella fucking lucky. My dad, henceforth known as DMG (Dreamy Mr Gootee, his self-appointed moniker), is not the man from whose loins I came. (I promise to never discuss my dads’ loins ever again.) My mom and my bio-dad broke up when I was a tiny kid, and DMG stepped in and took over dadding duties. If I say so myself, he did a damn fine job. I mean, here I am: alive, employed, and able to use a computer. I do not think if I had a child they would end up any of those things, especially if it was some dumb kid I didn’t even make.
DMG never acted “step”, and always went full-dad. Even though we share no genetic markers, I sometimes find myself wheezing as I laugh, and think “why is DMG’s laugh coming out of my face?” Sometimes I sloppily write something down in ballpoint pen, and it’s his “n”s that show up on my notepad. When I compliment Zach’s dinner by saying, “Damn, this is the best one of these I’ve ever had!”, he replies, “Okay, DMG!”, because that is one of my dad’s favorite food compliments to pay.
I could go on and on but instead I made a list, since I did the same thing on Mother’s Day and I want the internet to know I love both my parents equally, except when one of them is trying to ground me.
- he is very tall, taller than all the other dads who now look small and weak
- he is very strong and can lift you up, upside-down, so that you can pretend to walk on the ceiling, at least until you’re 7 or so
- you can tell when he’s joking because he uses his “tricky voice”
- he is not great at wrapping presents, but IS great at keeping his poker face steady, so that Christmas that he wrapped up a brand new ball by simply typing a ribbon around it, you were almost convinced it might be something else by the way he kept being like, “nuh uh! It’s not a ball”, but with the assistance of tricky voice you had your answer
- He is the best at hiding Easter baskets, Valentine’s Fairy gifts, and all other things that need to be hidden.
- Sure, he doesn’t do hair as well as Mom, but you look fine! SERIOUSLY
- He will cook you and your four best friends a pre-prom dinner, and tell everyone how pretty they look
- He will buy you a bouquet for your very first period, but not stick around too long or say too much stuff and make it weird
- All the kids at the pool wish he was their dad, as he is great for climbing on in the 5′ end of the pool, and kids are not yet 5′ tall
- His reactions can generally be summed up into “WHAT THE????” and spit-takes
- He will definitely spit-take if you accidentally serve him sweet tea
- Which happens a lot because of his habitual “UNNNNNNNNsweet tea” order, which waitstaff often hear as “Um…sweet tea”
- He does not like coffee, not even coffee ice cream or a Frappuccino
- He makes the best Dilly Dilly Chicken Sandwiches, Dad’s Special Spuds, Tube Sandwiches, and any damn creamy cheesy pasta you want
- He is the best at nicknames, coming up with not only “DMG”, but “Short Hair Boy”, (the name given to my 9th grade boyfriend) and “Pierced Ears” (my own nickname when I was 6 and visited Claire’s to get my first earrings)
- He will pick you up at the movie theater after your concession stand shift every night, even though it is much past his bedtime
- He will always be proud of you, forever, even when you do dumb stuff
- He’s probably ready to go sit in his chair, right at this very moment